[1] If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

[2] Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

[3] Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

[4] Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

[5] If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[6] My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

[7] Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

[8] It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

[9]. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

[10] If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

[11] Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

[12] A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

[13] Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

[14] Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

[15] No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

[16] A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

[17] Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

[18] Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

[19] Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

[20] There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

[21] Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

[22] By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

[23] Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

[24] Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

[25] Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.