Babes Vs. Babies!
Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter... another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...
Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
Laloo the Detective
A policeman was testing Laloo Ji, Manmohan Ji and Atal Ji who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows Manmohan Ji a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
BLESS ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED !!!!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
NEW AIRLINE RULES
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locater fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
Professor- heavens! my wallet is stolen.
wife- did'nt u feel a hand in your pocket.
Proffessor- i sure did but i thought it was mine!
An absent-minded shop-keeper came back after lunch to see A large sign on his shop saying- OUT FOR LUNCH so, he sat down and waited for himself
An absent-minded husband slammed his wife and kissed his door good-bye.
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
RIDDLES
What did the tree say to the woodpecker?
"You bore me."
Why did the kid put his clock in the oven.
He wanted to have a hot time.
How does a boat show affection?
It hugs the shore.
How can you prove that a horse has six legs?
A horse has forelegs in front and two behind.
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.