Little Pat asked his dad 4 a bike 4 his birthday but his dad said:" NO because the mortgage is $1m and your mom lost her job." Next day little Pat walked out with his suitcase packed. Dad asked:"where r u going?" Pat replied:"I walked past yr bedroom last night and heard u telling Mom u were pulling out, then I heard her telling u 2 wait because she was coming too, and I'm not staying here on my own with a $1m mortgage & no bike!" Nun gets on a bus that is empty except 4 the busdriver. She says:"I'm going to die soon but I want to have intercourse before I do. I must remain a virgin, so it has to be anal and I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single, can u fulfill my wish?" "Yes" says the driver and he fulfills her wish. Once both were satisfied he guilty says…"I'm sorry I lied. I'm married with 3 kids". "That's ok" says the nun. "I lied too. My name is Kevin & I am going to a fancy dress party." *

Mad Mary was speeding down the corridors of the mental hospital as per usual in her wheelchair. Mad Joe stopped her and asked here for her license. "Shit´she said and sped off around the corner just to bump into Mad Jim who stopped her and asked her for her insurance. "Fuck" she said and sped off around the corner just to see Mad Big John standing stark naked with a massive erection. "Oh no!" she said, "not the breathalyzer test again."

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

* One guy asks the other: Hey, have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman? The second guy says: No, but I've woken up with plenty

A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession. Prostitute: I'm a social engineer. Policeman: What do u do? Prostitute: I build & destroy erections *

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer doesn't laugh at a 3½ inch floppy.

When a man of 60 marries a girl of 21, it's like buying a book for someone else to read. *

A French and a Brit gynecologist were chatting.

French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon. Brit: That's a lie, she wouldn't be able to walk if it was. French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste. *

Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week. Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.

A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u? Santa: On her T-shirt was written 'Press', so I just pressed…

Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy…