" As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... " Sir Norman Wisdom

" One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. " Edgar Watson Howe

" A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! " Doug Larson

" A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! " Eric Bolton

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. " Erno Philips

" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. " Robert Paul

" We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. " Phyllis Diller

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people. " Victor Borge

" Start every day with a smile and get it over with. " W.C. Fields

" Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. " Will Rogers

" Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. " Mickey Rooney

" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. " Tim Allen

" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. " Woody Allen

" Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. " Erica Jong

" Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. " Elbert Hubbard

" Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. " Wendell Johnson

" In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. " Joey Adams

" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. " Henry Youngman

" Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? " Benny Hill